You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
