So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
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Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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