A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
