There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
