if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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