Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
