...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
