Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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