Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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