Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
