The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
