How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
