He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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