My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
