Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
