just tell him i said nine months
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
