dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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