watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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