i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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