Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
