Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
