i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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