Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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