Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
