there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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