I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
