that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
