If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
