the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
