U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
