Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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