Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
