I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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