I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
