im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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