Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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