Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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