He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
