I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
