Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
