have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
