She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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