What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
