Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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