I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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