he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.