I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
