I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
porn star boner night. come get it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
