so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
