My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
