good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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