I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
