It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
