I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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