Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
