Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
