You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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