I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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