roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
